Welp, it's 1:45 in the morning and we're sitting at Chunky's watching a movie. Not sure what movie it is because I haven't been paying any attention. I've basically been sitting here by myself, reading the Big Book (my NA book) since we got here a little over an hour ago. Right after we got here, I let Chunky talk me into staying here by myself while him and Blaine made a run by themselves.
Right after we got here I used a needle for the first time since I got kicked out of Roxbury on the 27th. I know damn well I shouldn't have, but that's not the first time I did the wrong thing even though I knew I was doing the wrong thing. I'll be honest with you right now, I'm probably gonna fuck up again tomorrow, just not sure exactly when yet.
I was in a better mood before I did that shot. Fucking Blaine, for whatever reason, thinks it's ok to pick on me for relapsing and say shit to me about it. If you really actually cared about my recovery, not just how much dope you're losing out on because of hooking me up, you'd actually do shit to help me in my recovery instead.of just offering lip service. You would've read one goddamn story out of the NA book with me. You would take me out and do stuff with me. You would at least make a genuine attempt to not use as much or not get AS fucked up when you're around me. The more time I spend with him the more I realize what a huge mistake I made when I didn't cut him out of my life right after I got out of treatment. This relationSHIT has completely destroyed any chance for my recovery, and what really kills me is that the only reason why that happened is because I LET IT. The more I analyze everything that's fucked up in my life right now the more I realize how I'm the one who created 90% of that. It sucks to realize that at a time like this, when I'm in this state of mind where my motivation's at a standstill and I don't really have the desire to fix anything. But I mean things aren't even THAT bad right now, right? I may not have a place to sleep at night currently and I have a warrant (although I'll probably have two by this time next week) out for my arrest, but how is USING going to take care of either of those problems - or any problems for that matter??? I'll feel better for a little bit, but soon, using will become a whole problem of its own and it will become the worst problem of all - I know all this! So why don't I listen to myself? Or rather, why do I only listen to the bad/stupid ideas I have????? I KNOW BETTER but yet I keep choosing to be bad/wrong, and that makes me think there's something seriously wrong with me and makes me feel like I'm completely hopeless, because even though I know better I still choose whatever's wrong. But here's the thing: I don't do things just because they're wrong. This is not some opposition defying complex; I don't get off on doing the wrong thing. I just like doing whatever makes me feel good... is that SO wrong?! I mean I know it's wrong to get fucked up on dope all the time, but everybody likes to do what makes them feel good, right? I just wish other people and other things made me feel good - more than anything I wish I could be the one to make myself feel good - instead of having one thing and one thing only that makes me feel better than anything else does.
I guess instead of sitting here and wishing, I need to just get out there and FIND for myself the people and things that make me feel happy, or at least like I'm alive for a purpose. For someone who daydreams and fantasizes all the time, I sure am incredibly critical of others who don't follow up their words with action! Ha. My goal for this week is to stop being such a hypocrite, to stop judging others so harshly when I am completely made up of the same flaws myself.
But anyway, I guess my bad mood started when Blaine was rushing to do my shot and got significantly worse when I saw that he missed most of it. It didn't feel like he did later but it definitely looked like it. The only reason I asked him to do it was because I thought he could do a better job, but I shouldn't have been surprised at all when he halfassed it and rushed to push it all in me so he could get going. In hindsight, him missing so much of my shot wasn't my main problem with him; I was actually already annoyed by him due to him acting like he's better or some shit and passing judgment or saying anything at all about me using. I don't know who the fuck he thinks he is, but I know the shit he's said to me, he didn't say them out of love or consideration for me. He wasn't trying to make me feel better. I don't really know what he was trying to do by saying those things to me but he shouldn't have said anything about me using, not the way he did and certainly none of the stupid shit that came out of his stupid ass mouth. It would've been very different, I would've listened with respect and accepted his opinion if he weren't being so negative about it and talking to me like he was coming from a higher, better place than I was. It just pisses me off that this fucker has the nerve to say anything like that about me using again, when he hasn't even made a plausible attempt at slowing down his usage even. He's THE last person that should be reprimanding me or trying to make me feel ANY type of way about my relapse, especially when he already knows it's not something I feel good about. I don't know, I guess I'm not really a fan of the Blaine I've been getting to know since I got out. At this point I'm just not sure how much more I care to learn about this guy; I don't have all the time in the world to waste.